Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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