The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
