I just pynch a tree in the face
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
