I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
