I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
