i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
