she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
