I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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