I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
