I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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