My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Everclear isn't food dammit
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
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