I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
