I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
