just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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