I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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