Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
