Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
