i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
