God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
