Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
