Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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