so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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