i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
