So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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