I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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