He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
