I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
