I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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