Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
