wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
