You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
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