thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
