in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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