mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
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