I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just cut my nipple shaving
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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