Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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