I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
