Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
