I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
