I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
