the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
