He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
