If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
