I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We talked him into tasing himself.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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