My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
sex in a hospital.. check
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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