I have demons in me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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