rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
