seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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