We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
