More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
